Never in my life have I had such confusion and inner debate about what I am going to write. I love to write and always have - fiction, nonfiction, about me, about others....you get the drift. But at this point in my life, especially after reading so many different facets about writing that I never consciously considered, I am struggling with my choice - and my willingness to truly "open up."
However, I do have some brainstorming ideas. The first one is a more happy one - sort of like a movie scene from my personal life. I finally "tied the knot" at 29. I think this makes both my husband and me to have a better knowledge of who we are as individuals and learning to be united as a married couple. I'd love to write about our meeting, our engagement, our wedding...all the happy things (again, let me say that our wedding in Jamaica was truly the happiest, joyous, and "inner"peaceful time of my life). But do people want to read that? I would like to have that down in ink to carry on and to remind me and relate to generations down the line...but do I add all the bad and hard and trying issues that happened in our relationship? I'm not talking infidelities or anything along those lines - but my personal struggles and the strained relationship I had & still have with his mother? Would he resent that? And why would I write that? To remember ugly times? It sure would make for great writing - but at what cost?
The other idea I have is to write about my best friend. She is actually more like a sister, a sister at heart. The things we have gone through in our friendship could shock and sadden most people. Divorce, inner brokenness, poor choices, feeling stuck, lots of drinking.....but first of all, would she approve of that? This is a person who has been through hell and back and continues to fight today. Sure she has made mistakes and still does, but she is to be respected at the least, and admired if you ask me. I look at her with such love and pride - and vice versa. We always say that everyone should have a best friend like we have. So in writing about her, I would have to reveal quite a bit about myself....
....which brings me to my third idea...me. Man could I write a ton of things about myself: horrific, sad, struggling, poor choices, things out of my control that I tried to gain control of in other ways (usually bad outlets for pain), funny (I think I am quite funny and could have my own sitcom..), the list goes on. But can I open up? Does my audience deserve or have a right to know my inner self (or at least a portion of it)? And why am I terrified and mortified to do this? To be so vulnerable and honest in exposing my truths? What difference could tearing myself open to perfect strangers make? I know I could relate to everyone in some way...but am I ready for that? I have no problem doing this in therapy....but I don't know the answers to these questions I ask. It almost makes me want to do it just to prove to myself that I can....but I just can't be sure. Therein lies my ultimate dilemma. And that's all I really have so far for my brainstorming.
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